Some thoughts about the Oscars...

Since at least half of my time on this blog is spent reviewing movies…I thought that I should offer some opinions about what took place tonight at The Academy Awards.

Here goes:

First of all, I think Chris Rock did a great job hosting the show. He was funny and was not afraid to make fun of the “stars”…always a good thing. In fact, my only complaint is that there was not enough Chris Rock. If (former hosts) Billy Crystal and the atrocious Whoopi Goldberg can come out and sing and do a stand-up routine…then Rock should have been allotted at least another 5 minutes to perform. But he did a great job and hopefully will be asked to host again next year.

I am thrilled that Million Dollar Baby won so many awards. It is an awesome movie…far superior to The Aviator and Ray. Morgan Freeman, Hilary Swank and my main man Clint Eastwood did awesome jobs and are richly deserving of the awards they received tonight.

The people that run the show need to make up their minds….do they or do they not want people to give acceptance speeches? I would be happy if they outlawed the speeches altogether, but I doubt that will ever happen. But I felt bad for some of the “less important” winners tonight that only received half the amount of time to talk that Mr. and Mrs. Big Shot movie star received. I mean these people have family and friends to thank too. Personally, I would prefer that they stop televising all the boring awards and just show the important things…this could shorten the show to only an hour in length. And PLEASE, PLEASE get rid of the Lifetime Achievement Award. No one knows who these people are anyway. If they insist on keeping it, at least rename it the “We Think You Might Die Soon and You’ve Never Won Anything Else” award…a more accurate reflection of the award’s purpose.

Sean Penn is an idiot.

And finally, the greatest moment in Academy Awards history happened tonight. It was a moment that will be talked about for decades to come. It occurred when Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek stood side by side presenting an award. It was a glorious moment in Oscar history that I will not soon forget. In fact…forget Chris Rock…Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek should co-host the show next year.

Hitch (Movie Review)

**If you have seen this movie or any of the other movies I have reviewed, feel free to post comments regarding your opinions of the film(s). Even if you only say "I liked it" or "it really sucked" I think it would be cool for people to see other opinions. But maybe that's just me.

Anyway, on with the review...

This romantic comedy stars Will Smith as Hitch, a professional "date coach" who helps other men get the women of their dreams. One of his "students" is Albert, played by Kevin James from the TV show King of Queens. Albert is an ordinary guy who lusts after a very wealthy and very unobtainable woman. But this is a movie...so of course Albert (with Hitch's assistance) has a very good shot at scoring the girl. Hitch is not as successful in his own dating life...in fact he is quite clumsy in his attempts to impress women. He spends a great deal of time trying to woo a gossip columnist portrayed by Eva Mendes.

I am not a big fan of romantic comedies but I must say that this film was pretty funny. The funniest parts of the movie were the scenes that I had already seen several times in the previews for the movie. But it didn't make any difference because they were still quite entertaining. Not surprisingly, it is Will Smith that makes the movie work. When he is in a film you know that it is going to be pretty decent. Although, I did feel bad for myself (and Will Smith) when towards the end of the movie, I had to suffer through 15 minutes of some of the most excruciatingly sappy dialogue you will EVER have the misfortune to hear. But its ok...I recovered. Hitch is not great...but it is worth checking out.

An American Fairytale: Hootie and the Burger King

Once upon a time there was a band called Hootie and the Blowfish. They had some really big “hit songs” back in the early to mid 90s. Rumor has it that they released some more albums…but I can neither confirm nor deny this story…because I never heard from them again. Well, boys and girls…one day the lead singer Darius Rucker (we shall call him Hootie) suddenly returned…dropping out of the big, blue sky.

Where did he land? Was it on MTV? Was it Live in Concert at Madison Square Garden? Was it in the studio recording his new CD? No boys and girls…Hootie has returned…in a Burger King commercial. That’s right…Hootie the rock star is now Hootie the singing cowboy. I’m not sure exactly what he’s singing about, but it sounds a little like “blah blah blah, where did my career go, blah blah blah, hey look at me I have a guitar, blah blah blah.” I mean he’s not even singing about burgers…I don't think. Anyway...I’m really bored so I’ve decided to write a Burger King song for Hootie to sing.

It is written to the tune of Hootie’s biggest hit, “Hold My Hand”. (feel free to sing along)

Hold My Whopper
Lyrics by Brian
Performed by Hootie and the Blowfish Sandwich

With a little love, and some tenderness
We’ll flame broil this burger
We’ll put it to the test
With a little mayo and some onion too
We’ll add on some lettuce
And a tomato just for you

Cause’ I’ve got a Whopper for you
Cause’ I wanna eat with you

Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Watching me flip the burgers
Way up in the air
I said hello, do you want that King sized
Cause’ I’ve got some fries
And soda set aside

Cause’ I’ve got a Whopper for you
I’ve got a Whopper for you
Cause’ I wanna eat with you
Won’t you let me eat with you
Yeah Hold my Whopper
Want you to hold my Whopper
Hold my Whopper

I’ll take you to a place where you can
Have It Your Way
Each and every day
Because I wanna make you the best burger
The best burger that I can

Constantine (Movie Review)

**If you have seen this movie or any of the other movies I have reviewed, feel free to post comments regarding your opinions of the film(s). Even if you only say "I liked it" or "it really sucked" I think it would be cool for people to see other opinions. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, on with the review...

Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weisz star in this film that is based on the Hellblazer comic book. If you like your movies dark and full of religious discussion, then this is the movie for you.

Reeves plays John Constantine, a man who (due to prior events) is destined to spend eternity in Hell. He has the ability to “see” the demons that attempt to influence and infiltrate the daily lives of humans. Thus, he spends his life performing exorcisms and fighting off demons in the hope that each accomplishment brings him closer to Heaven. Apparently, at the beginning of time, God and the Devil made a wager concerning the fate of humans. Neither is allowed to have direct contact with humans…they are only allowed to “influence” us in our daily lives. However, now one of the sides is attempting to break the rules. Constantine discovers this and tries to discover what mysteries lurk behind the changing game plan.

Does all of this sound confusing? Well at times it is. But Constantine is a really cool film that provides a good amount of religious discussion to go along with the action. At times I was wishing that I had paid more attention in Sunday School. Oh yeah…and I was also wishing that I was Catholic, so that I would have a better understanding of some of the things they were referring to. But make no mistake, this is definitely not Passion of the Christ…in fact I’m pretty sure that really religious people will hate this movie. Although, I must say, the haunting images of Hell will put me on my best behavior for at least the next week or so.

Constantine is a very enjoyable movie. It is one of those films that you discuss and analyze during the car ride home from the theater. Check it out

*For the record…Keanu Reeves does NOT say “whoa” in this movie.

The Last Supper

Today as I was driving I started wondering "if I was on Death Row what would I pick as my final meal?" It's a tough decision. My first inclination would be to have a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But I would want to make them myself...and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't give me a knife to make them. There are just so many things that go into making this final decision.

First of all you need to decide what your major point of focus is. Are you trying to pick the best final meal possible? OR Are you trying to pick the meal that is best suited for concealing a weapon or tool that can be used for escape? Assuming you're trying to escape..and you really should be trying to...I mean what do you have to lose? I'd much rather get shot while jumping over a wall than die in the electric chair. But anyway...as I was saying...if you are trying to escape you have to pick a meal that can easily hide a weapon/tool. Maybe a Chicago deep dish pizza (hollowed out for our purposes) or a Happy Meal from McDonalds. A Happy Meal isn't complete without the "toy." They will never suspect that your new pink My Little Pony action figure can be easily converted into your ticket to freedom.

However, if you are just looking to have a delicious final meal, I think you have to order something from a restuarant. You need to receive a dependable product. If you just place a generic "BBQ chicken with macaroni and cheese and fries" order, you are just going to get a bunch of slop from the prison cafeteria. And come on...do you really want to be getting your head shaved and taking that final walk with a bad taste in your mouth? I think not. I would want my final few hours spent relishing the fact that "Yes!! I finally ate one of everything on the Taco Bell menu!!."

But perhaps the best strategy of all is to ask your guards what they would like to eat. Tell them that you value their friendship and that you would like to eat your final meal with them. The first ever Death Row Pizza Party. Maybe you will have a connection on the outside that can drug all the pepperoni pizza while you sit in the corner safely consuming your cheese pizza. After they collapse, you make a run for it and drive safely away in your Dominos Pizza delivery (getaway) truck.

What? It might work.

Sam and Liberty: A Love Story

The past few weeks I have become strangely intrigued by Liberty Tax and their “mascots”. You see, it is tax season and every day I drive by people standing on the side of the road dressed like Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty dancing and waving at passing cars. Apparently, Liberty Tax is convinced that this is going to make me want to have them do my taxes. In reality, it makes me really happy that I bought Turbo Tax. But I guess the “mascots” are working…I’ve seen them for quite a few years now and according to the web site there are 1700 different Liberty Tax locations…so they must be doing something right. But I digress…anyway…these people have kept me entertained over the past few weeks so I thought I would share some things that I have learned from watching Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty.

1) Uncle Sam appears to have found the Fountain of Youth. Not only is his beard not white, most of the time he doesn’t even sport a beard.
2) Sometimes Uncle Sam is black.
3) On really cold days Uncle Sam and The Statue of Liberty like to wrap scarves around their faces. It’s cool because then they look like bank robbers. I would love to be in a bank being robbed by Uncle Sam. I can see it now, “I WANT YOU…to open the vault” or “I WANT YOU…to lie face down on the floor.” But I’m pretty sure that he would get caught, because even with his face covered by a scarf, I think the red and white striped pants and the big hat would give him away.
4) If you get them wet, they multiply…just like Gremlins. Every time it rains there seems to be at least three of each character standing on the corner shivering.
5) Apparently, when the Statue of Liberty was being restored a few years ago, they added a walkman and headphones.
6) Uncle Sam is a really good breakdancer.
7) Unlike most women, The Statue of Liberty really likes it when you honk at her.
8) That’s not a torch in The Statue of Liberty’s hand…it’s a Taco Bell cup.

Elektra (Movie Review)

**If you have seen this movie or any of the other movies I have reviewed, feel free to post comments regarding your opinions of the film(s). Even if you only say "I liked it" or "it really sucked" I think it would be cool for people to see other opinions. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, on with the review...

Elektra starring Jennifer Garner is the first "superhero" movie of 2005. And as much as it pains me to say it...it is also the worst movie I have seen so far this year. The previews for this movie worried me a little...ok a lot...but I went to see it anyway because I like superhero movies and because, well...Jennifer Garner is pretty hot. But as hard as I tried to enjoy this movie...I just couldn't...it's a mess.

The movie is kind of a sequel to Daredevil (a very underrated film). However, there are no mentions of Daredevil and in fact it's almost like they are pretending that the previous movie never took place at all. The concept of the movie is that Elektra has been trained in martial arts and other ninja type things since a very young age. Now she makes her living as a professional assassin. She has been hired to kill a man and his 13 year old daughter. It turns out that there is more to this young girl than meets the eye. But, Elektra just can't go through with the murders and instead ends up protecting the family from others sent to perform the job she couldn't.

There are many problems with this movie but I will focus on the two major issues. The first is the storyline involving the 13 year old girl. One of my pet peeves with movies is annoying child characters/actors...and let me tell you...this girl wins the prize as one of the most annoying characters ever. But the real question is, why is so much of the story focused on the girl instead of Elektra? The second key problem is the bewildering lack of fight scenes. There are few things more entertaining than a hot girl that can kick ass (i.e. Buffy, Trinity, Jessica Biel in the new Blade movie, etc.) so I wonder why the story didn't feature more ninja rumbles. Perhaps I do know...because the couple of fights that did take place were terrible...especially the final "battle".

There is plenty more that I can say but I have wasted enough time on this movie. Elektra was a very disappointing film and I recommend that you wait until it comes to cable to watch it.

Early Retirement

A few weeks ago in the local paper there was a story about a professional guide dog (we’ll call him “Shadow”) that was retiring. There was even a big ceremony attended by the mayor and other dignitaries (I swear that more than 26 people live in my town…and yes, we have a stoplight…lots of ‘em). It seems that the blind lady that uses him felt that at the age of 9 he had worked long enough and needed to spend the rest of his life having fun with her as a regular ol’ dog. This is a very nice thought, but I have a few questions/problems with this whole thing.

First of all, the article stated that immediately after the ceremony the blind woman flew to Florida to begin several weeks of training with a new guide dog. (“Happy Retirement Shadow!! I’ll see you later; I’m heading south to find a new dog.”) My understanding is that guide dogs are in short supply…but this lady is allowed to voluntarily retire her current dog and then immediately gets a new one? That hardly seems fair.

My biggest concern is the future happiness of Shadow. The blind lady is keeping him as a pet, but I wonder how happy he can possibly be. I admire her decision to retire Shadow so that he can enjoy “being a dog.” But what exactly is he going to do? Is he looking forward to doing a lot of traveling? Is he going to pass the days by lying on the back porch doing crossword puzzles? Perhaps he will take up gardening. Let’s face it…dogs love people. Shadow wants nothing more than to spend time with his owner. How is he going to feel about her new guide dog? I have a feeling that instead of being happy about his reduced workload he is going to feel jealous and sad about being replaced.

On a lighter note, this entire situation could be fun to watch. I can picture it now…two guide dogs fighting over the right to lead the blind woman. One goes left, one goes right. Meanwhile, people that see her will wonder, “Geez…how blind do you have to be to need two guide dogs?

But if she really wanted to have fun the lady should put sunglasses on Shadow so that it looks like the new dog is his seeing-eye dog too. Now that sounds like a fun retirement…a dog with his own guide dog…what a life.

Million Dollar Baby (Movie Review)

Ok, so finally I’m back posting again…hopefully you noticed I was gone. I plan to post quite often to make up for my absence. I have a bunch of movies to review and several other things I want to comment on. I’ve seen quite a few movies since my last post (surprise, surprise) but I’m going to start with a review of one I saw last week…Million Dollar Baby.

You’ve probably heard that this movie is nominated for tons of awards, including Best Picture. I do not usually like movies that are nominated for Oscars (except Lord of the Rings, of course), but I am happy to say that Million Dollar Baby is richly deserving of it’s nomination for Best Picture. Everything about this movie is amazing…the story, the acting, even the musical score. I found myself captivated by what was happening on screen, completely drawn in by the characters and the story that was unfolding. Clint Eastwood plays Frankie, a boxing trainer that runs a gym with the assistance of Scrap, portrayed by Morgan Freeman. One day Maggie (Hilary Swank) enters his life. She is the product of a trailer trash upbringing and currently makes her living as a waitress in a diner. She dreams of leaving poverty behind by succeeding as a professional boxer. Frankie has no interest in training a girl, but through charm and perseverance Maggie convinces Frankie to train her. I will not reveal what happens in the rest of the film except to say that the first part of the movie feels like a female version of Rocky, but then something occurs that swings the movie in a completely different direction. You feel like you are watching one kind of movie…but then it turns into something else entirely. And it works…very well.

I grew up watching Clint Eastwood play tough guys in Westerns and Dirty Harry, so at times it has been difficult to watch him age…especially when I first saw him with his pants pulled up to his rib cage. But I am astounded at his ability to adapt as he has grown out of his action hero past. Not only does he act in this movie, but he is also the Director and the composer of the musical score. In my opinion, all three major actors in the film should win Academy Awards for their portrayals (if Hilary Swank does not win Best Actress, an immediate investigation should be launched). Million Dollar Baby is a deeply touching movie that pulls you in and keeps you thoroughly captivated as you watch how the story unfolds. I highly recommend that you check it out. You will be seeing filmmaking at its very best.