The 1013

Back and Annoyed at Cuba

2008-02-27T23:14:00.003-05:00

I am seriously annoyed at Cuba...as in Gooding Jr, not Fidel Castro. I mean what is going on with this guy? Didn't he used to be a serious actor? Why is he always hugging Michael Jordan and telling him that he is "wearing his underwear"? If I see that commercial one more time I may have to throw my TV out the window.

I just thought you should know.

Batman - The Song

2006-02-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago the band Five for Fighting had a big, hit song called Superman (It’s Not Easy). I’m sure that you heard it…a lot. Anyway, it talks about how difficult life is for Superman, the so-called “Man of Steel.” The song is written from Superman’s perspective. It has such memorable lines as “I can’t stand to fly”, “wish that I could cry” and “it’s not easy to be me.” Well quite frankly all this makes Superman seem like a big, fat, whiny baby. I mean does that “S” on your chest stand for “Super” or for “Sissy?” Poor ol’ Superman…yes, he is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and pretty much generally indestructible…but gosh darn it his life is soooo hard.

Boo freakin’ hoo.

So I decided to write my own song. It is about Batman…a guy that doesn’t have super powers or super strength, yet fights for the world…without question or complaint. Here is Batman’s perspective on what it takes to be a super hero…sing it to the music of Five for Fighting’s Superman:

Driving home last Friday night
With memories in my backseat
My wheels, my resolve, my purpose
Firmly grounded with my feet

A direction I’ve chosen
A choice I’ve made
A duty to protect
A promise that will not fade

I am a man
That wants to succeed
In helping every soul
That comes in need
Wherever they are
Whatever their fright
I will be there to help
I am the Dark Knight

Some may wonder
And ask how can this be
How can I survive
With so many dependent on me

Like a doctor, always on call
I will catch them when they fall
I won’t runaway and try to hide
I use the power that lies inside
I’m only a man with the power to care
When they’re in trouble, I’ll always be there

I am a man
That wants to succeed
In helping every soul
That comes in need
Wherever they are
Whatever their fright
I will be there to help
I am the Dark Knight

My Top 4 Worst Movies of 2005

2006-02-07T23:19:00.000-05:00

In 2005 I saw quite a few movies that were anything but great (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Bad News Bears and The Amityville Horror). But the four movies I am about to discuss were downright horrible. They are listed in descending order...as in going downhill...the #1 movie is my choice for the worst movie of the year.

4. Wolf Creek
I love horror movies...at least I used to, until I saw this movie. It is by far one of the slowest, most boring horror movies ever made. For the first 30 minutes I really thought I might be watching the video of someone's vacation in Australia, not a "scary" movie. It is that bad...trust me.
See my complete review here.

3. The Ring 2
To steal a famous phrase used by David Spade, "I liked this movie the first time I saw it...when it was called The Ring." It really is almost a carbon copy of the original movie...with one exception...the first film was good. Oh well, at least Naomi Watts is in it.

2. Elektra
I cannot possibly express how disappointed I was with this movie. I had such high hopes, but who wouldn't, with hot Jennifer Garner (she didn't look so good), Daredevil (he wasn't in it), a great story (it sucked) and loads of butt-kickin' action (there was next to none)...it had to be good...right?
Wrong.
See my complete review here

1. Rumor Has It
I won't spend much time dwelling on this...my full review did plenty of that. But I do want to say that it is the ONLY movie I saw in 2005 that made me feel like I had lost 2 hours of my life that I can never, ever get back. It also has the distinction of being the ONLY movie I considered walking out of. Not only is it easily the worst movie I saw in 2005, I'm confident in saying it is the worst movie I have seen this century.

My Top 10 Movies of 2005

2006-01-31T23:14:00.000-05:00

I saw 40 of the 580 movies that were released in 2005. That is one movie every 9.13 days...and yes…I do have a life. It just involves going to the movies a lot. Generally speaking, I enjoy (on some level) most of the movies that I go to see. Here are my ten favorites from the year 2005.

10. War of the Worlds
A great science fiction movie with lots of action, awesome special effects and the best child actor in all the land – Dakota Fanning. Too bad it also had one of the worst endings…ever.

9. Coach Carter
Basketball and Samuel L. Jackson…’nuff said. See my review here.

8. Wedding Crashers
Vince Vaughn is unstoppable. Add Owen Wilson and you have the 2nd best comedy of the year. There are parts of this movie that are laugh-out-loud funny, no matter how many times you see it.

7. The 40 Year Old Virgin
The best comedy of the year. I had never even heard of Steve Carell before this film, but he delivered. Side note: Never sell your action figures for a girl!

6. Serenity
Even though I am a big fan of writer/director Joss Whedon‘s previous work (Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel) I did not have high hopes going into this movie. I was pleasantly surprised (ok, shocked) by what I saw on the big screen. Serenity is a sci-fi movie packed with tons of action and humor. I liked it so much that I bought Firefly (the TV series the movie is based upon) on DVD.

5. Munich
I knew almost nothing about the terrorism that took place at the 1972 Munich Olympics. This film covers the aftereffects of that event, as Israel undertakes a secret mission to eradicate everyone involved in the planning of the attack. The movie is full of suspense but it also succeeds in making the viewer take a long hard look at the costs of terrorism…on both sides of the conflict.

4. Walk the Line
A tremendously entertaining movie about Johnny Cash, with great performances by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

3. Cinderella Man
As boxer James Braddock during the Great Depression, Russell Crowe gives the best performance of his career. Although the film has plenty of boxing action, it succeeds most in showing us how a man that was down on his luck turned the tables, and became a source of inspiration for the entire country.

2. King Kong
I had such a great time at this movie! The film took me back to being a kid watching all those old Japanese, King Kong vs. Godzilla movies on television. Truly a fun movie-going experience.

1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Come on now…did you really expect me to pick anything else? George Lucas (the KING of screwing stuff up) finally did something really right (for the most part). Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader…it doesn’t get any better than that!

Please Tell Me This Is A Joke

2006-01-16T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today, I was minding my own business, riding in the car and listening to XM satellite radio. As I scrolled through the list of stations a horrifying thing caught my attention...apparently there is a group called the John Mayer Trio. I mean what in the blue hell is going on here? Is this for real? It is bad enough that there is ONE John Mayer...but three?!?!? Why does it take three people to play crap? I mean Mr. Mayer has been proving for years that he can play crap just fine all by himself. Perhaps he could just join Maroon 5 to make Maroon 6. Then at least all my least favorite musicians would be together in one place. It would be cool...they could all hit on Justin Timberlake together and Jennifer Love Hewitt could break up with all of them at the same time.

Please...someone...shoot me now. Seriously.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (Movie Review)

2006-01-15T00:03:00.000-05:00

Steve Martin is back as the father of twelve troublemaking kids in the family comedy Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Martin is joined in the sequel by Bonnie Hunt, Carmen Electra, a scary looking Hilary Duff and Tom Welling (Superman on the TV show Smallville).

This time around Martin and the clan head up to Lake Winnetka for a fun filled family vacation. Once there, Martin runs into his long time arch nemesis, played by Eugene Levy (better known as the dad from American Pie). The summer is full of hijinks, water sports and the pains of blossoming young love (I typed that as sarcastically as possible). It is all topped off with an end-of-summer Battle Royal between the families staying at the lake, as they clash head-to-head in a variety of contests (such as a 3 legged race, log roll competition, volleyball, etc.).

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 is a simple, nice little family film. It has some funny parts…but not many. That said, I really enjoyed the movie…although I’m not exactly sure why.

The Good: Steve Martin is always entertaining and the kids are funny to watch.
The Bad: The acting; Eugene Levy is not funny…at all.
The Ugly: It hurts me to say it but…Hilary Duff. Come on Hilary, put some weight back on and take some makeup off. One more thing…crack is not an FDA accepted diet plan.

My Recommendation: If you have young kids, take them to see it. Otherwise, wait for it to come out on DVD or The Disney Channel.

Wolf Creek (Movie Review)

2006-01-13T17:40:00.000-05:00

I love horror movies. I did not love, or even like, Wolf Creek.

The basic premise is that two gals and a guy are partaking in a road trip across Australia. After an excruciatingly boring 30 minutes of them driving around doing nothing, they finally arrive in the desolate town of Wolf Creek. Here, they encounter a serial killer that proceeds to torture them in ways that were probably pretty cool…unfortunately most of the “good” stuff wasn’t shown. Also, it is not very scary. There isn’t a single moment that you “jump” out of your seat (definitely a setback for a horror movie). However, the main problem is that the 20 or so entertaining minutes in the movie are sandwiched between unbelievably boring segments at the beginning and end of the film.

Prior to seeing this movie I had heard in the media that it was “really gory and gross” and that some critics even considered walking out of the movie. I’ll be honest…that got me really stoked to see this film. Unfortunately, all I walked away with is the knowledge that some people have really weak stomachs, because the torture scenes were not all that different from every other horror movie.

The Good: Not much.
The Bad: Not scary, not funny, not enough victims.
The Ugly: Doesn’t even have a hot girl in the film…a MUST in any good horror flick.

My Recommendation: Watch it on cable…but not until it is already 25-30 minutes into the movie. Believe me, you will not miss anything.

Rumor Has It (Movie Review)

2006-01-03T00:43:00.000-05:00

This movie is a perfect example of a great idea that goes absolutely nowhere. Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Costner , Mark Ruffalo (with one of the most annoying voices on the planet) and Shirley MacLaine star in this comedy with ZERO laughs.

The basic premise is that Sarah, portrayed by our friend Jennifer suspects that her family was the inspiration for the movie The Graduate. You know…that movie with Mrs. Robinson...she seduces a much younger guy…anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard the song a few million times. Sarah sets out to prove that her dad is not really her dad, that her real father is actually a guy who slept with her mother and grandmother (not at the same time). Excited yet? Me neither. All sorts of boring stuff follows and then mercifully the movie ends.

At one point in the movie one of the characters says “you can’t spend all your life chasing after ghosts.” This deep conversation really made me think, “Wow, this movie would be a lot better if there actually were ghosts in it.” Then another character says she needs a camera for her honeymoon in case she sees some monkeys. Again, I started to think, “This movie would be so much better if there were monkeys in it.”

If that doesn’t say it all, this probably does…during the movie, I actually spent about ten minutes of my time staring off into space visualizing the movie King Kong in my head. It was awesome!!

This movie could have been quite funny…but it’s not. Jennifer Aniston is pretty hot, but even she can not save this film. Trust me… it is horrible. Save your money and your time.

Briz in the Hood

2005-04-12T23:13:00.000-04:00

Sorry this sucks…but at least I updated. (more to come)

The other day I was walking around outside and I just started thinking about how great hoods are. I’m not talking about your neighborhood, the tough dude down the street or some guy that steals from the rich and gives to the poor. I’m talking about hoods…as in a “hooded” sweatshirt. Now that we’ve got that straight…here are my top 10 great things about Hoods.

10. They keep your ears warm.
9. They help block out all the noise around you.
8. They hide you from people you do not want to see or talk to.
7. They are an extra pocket to carry cool stuff in.
6. They provide entertainment such as pulling the drawstrings as tight as possible so that the hood swallows your face.
5. They keep you dry.
4. They make it easy to grab a hold of the person walking in front of you.
3. You can be in a room full of people…put your hood up and suddenly you are alone in the room and isolated from the world.
2. Nothing sounds cooler than rain landing on the hood of a rain jacket.
1. They allow you to make awesome Ob-Wan Kenobi impersonations…”These are not the droids you are looking for.”

National Treasure (Movie Review)

2005-03-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

Nicholas Cage stars in this action/adventure about one family’s search for a spectacular hidden treasure. Cage plays Benjamin Franklin Gates, a man determined to find the treasure his ancestors couldn’t…a treasure that many claim doesn’t even exist. If only they had known there was a map to the treasure on the back of the Declaration of Independence, they could have found it years ago.

Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this movie…and its star. Some parts of the film are downright laughable not to mention flat out ridiculous. But there are also quite a few fun and interesting moments that keep you paying attention. In fact, I even learned a couple of tidbits of information from National Treasure. Trust me…I’m a dork…I went home and looked them up afterwards just to make sure. Same deal with Nicholas Cage…no I didn’t learn anything from him…I’m just not sure what to make of him. Sometimes I really enjoy him onscreen and believe that he is truly a good actor. Other times I am convinced that he is the worst actor on the planet and I wonder how he ever gets any speaking roles. And to think that up until a year ago he was supposed to play Superman in the new movie coming out. Pardon me…HAHAHAHA. It would have been the worst thing to happen to Superman since Kryptonite.

Ok that’s enough. Bottom line, National Treasure is worth checking out on DVD or at your local discount theater…just don’t expect too much from it.

In Good Company (Movie Review)

2005-03-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

This romantic comedy starring Topher Grace, Dennis Quaid and Scarlett Johansson is neither romantic or comedic…but it is pretty good…although I’m not sure why. Quaid plays Dan, a married father who is the head salesman at a sports magazine. Life is good…until the magazine is bought by another company and Dan is demoted. A young whippersnapper with zero magazine experience (Carter…portrayed by Grace) is given Dan’s old job. Carter is very uncomfortable in his new position…not to mention quite lonely since his wife left him. So he latches on to Dan and his family…especially his daughter…played by the lovely Miss Johansson. Can you see where this is going?

I don’t really know how to describe the film. Okay let’s just say it is interesting. It is not funny…I laughed maybe three times. It also is not the love story it is advertised to be (thankfully). In fact, the majority of the movie focuses on the work dynamic between Carter and the much older Dan. We see Carter adjust to being the boss of people twice his age and dealing with the hardships of firing employees. Simply put…it is a nice visualization of what it is like to be young and in charge.

In Good Company is not a fun movie…it is just…nice. Check it out. It will be a good rental in a couple of months.

Coach Carter (Movie Review)

2005-03-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

Samuel L. Jackson stars in this “based on a real-life story” movie about a businessman that returns to his old high school to take over as head coach of the basketball team. The team is troubled…to say the least. The players have to worry more about getting shot on the way to school than getting good grades. Coach Carter decides that he is not just interested in having a winning basketball team…he also wants to prepare his players for life after basketball. He requires his players to attend all their classes, maintain good grades and to function as well-mannered members of society. Problems arise when some of the players do not uphold their end of the deal and Coach Carter cancels basketball games. Some of the great parents of our world think he is crazy and want him fired.

Coach Carter is an inspirational film that is well worth your time… even the basketball games look real. Samuel L. Jackson gives the best performance of his career…other than his portrayal of Mace Windu…of course. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

On a side note…Coach Carter is significant because it marks the return of Rob Brown (the guy from Finding Forrester). This guy has been MIA since that movie and it was nice to see him return…in a completely different role of a high school student that plays basketball.

The Aviator (Movie Review)

2005-03-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am way behind with my movie reviews (five of them…to be exact) and it has really been bothering me. So I’ve decided that since these movies have all been out for a really long time…I’m just going to do short little reviews and then move on with my life. That way I can get back to reviewing movies as soon as I see them. Sound good? Great.

First up…The Aviator starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett and the most excellent girl in all the land…Kate Beckinsale. DiCaprio plays Howard Hughes, a really weird rich guy that comes to Hollywood in the 1920s with dreams of making BIG movies with BIG special effects…especially movies with airplanes. This movie covers Hughes career in Hollywood, his ownership of a huge airline company, his battles with the government and his downfall into a life full of eccentricities and alcohol. I knew absolutely nothing about Howard Hughes before I saw this film. Jack Dawson…I mean Leonardo DiCaprio gives a good performance and is very deserving of his Oscar nomination. Cate Blanchett supposedly is dead-on in her portrayal of Katherine Hepburn (I have no idea) but in my opinion it was the most annoying performance of the year.

The Aviator is a very interesting film, especially if you are interested in the early days of special effects. It is slow at times, but is definitely worth checking out…although I do not think it should have been nominated for Best Picture.

Jesus Is A Stockbroker?

2005-03-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Today I received an email from Jesus...yes Jesus. There it was, plain as day underneath the Sender heading in my Inbox…very simply… “Jesus”. Of course I was quite curious…what does Jesus want? Did he have something very important to tell me about The Bible? Perhaps he wanted to share a favorite little parable with me? Then I began to think…I haven’t gone to church lately and my prayers have been a little irregular…but am I so hard to reach that Jesus had to resort to email? I mean what’s next…a follow-up phone call? I began to worry that Jesus may be a little mad at me…and nobody wants that.

So I opened the email to see what important message Jesus was trying to get to me. With anxious anticipation I looked at the Subject line and saw…”Timing is everything when buying stocks”.

I mean…what???

All my concerns and worries were about…stock tips? What is going on here? Have parables and miracles been replaced with mutual funds and dividend reinvestment? Who are the Disciples…Charles Schwab and Merrill Lynch? I can see the bumper sticker now, “My Father Is A Jewish Stockbroker”.

Relax…I am just kidding…I don’t really think that Jesus is a stockbroker. But I DO think that Norton AntiSpam is the devil. Hey, I don’t like to point fingers but I’m not the one that labeled an email from “Jesus” as SPAM.

Fun With Bananas

2005-03-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my buddy Dave was eating a banana (insert joke here). I started thinking about how people always say that bananas are really slippery. But what evidence do we really have for this? The only time that I have ever seen someone slip and fall on a banana is on a cartoon. So needless to say, Dave and I decided that we needed to test this theory. We took his banana peel outside and threw it on the ground. I got a head start then proceeded to walk and step on the banana peel. And let me tell you something...it is very slippery. In fact I almost fell both times that I conducted my experiment....as did Dave. Therefore, I have concluded after much research and experimentation that cartoons are correct...banana peels are very slippery.

I have to say that I am very excited about this discovery. I envision weeks and weeks of fun dropping banana peels to watch people slip and fall. Yes...I am easily entertained.

One more thing...do NOT try to pass me on the road when I am driving. I will be carrying banana peels with me at all times and I WILL wreck your ass...Mario Kart style!!

Some thoughts about the Oscars...

2005-02-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

Since at least half of my time on this blog is spent reviewing movies…I thought that I should offer some opinions about what took place tonight at The Academy Awards.

Here goes:

First of all, I think Chris Rock did a great job hosting the show. He was funny and was not afraid to make fun of the “stars”…always a good thing. In fact, my only complaint is that there was not enough Chris Rock. If (former hosts) Billy Crystal and the atrocious Whoopi Goldberg can come out and sing and do a stand-up routine…then Rock should have been allotted at least another 5 minutes to perform. But he did a great job and hopefully will be asked to host again next year.

I am thrilled that Million Dollar Baby won so many awards. It is an awesome movie…far superior to The Aviator and Ray. Morgan Freeman, Hilary Swank and my main man Clint Eastwood did awesome jobs and are richly deserving of the awards they received tonight.

The people that run the show need to make up their minds….do they or do they not want people to give acceptance speeches? I would be happy if they outlawed the speeches altogether, but I doubt that will ever happen. But I felt bad for some of the “less important” winners tonight that only received half the amount of time to talk that Mr. and Mrs. Big Shot movie star received. I mean these people have family and friends to thank too. Personally, I would prefer that they stop televising all the boring awards and just show the important things…this could shorten the show to only an hour in length. And PLEASE, PLEASE get rid of the Lifetime Achievement Award. No one knows who these people are anyway. If they insist on keeping it, at least rename it the “We Think You Might Die Soon and You’ve Never Won Anything Else” award…a more accurate reflection of the award’s purpose.

Sean Penn is an idiot.

And finally, the greatest moment in Academy Awards history happened tonight. It was a moment that will be talked about for decades to come. It occurred when Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek stood side by side presenting an award. It was a glorious moment in Oscar history that I will not soon forget. In fact…forget Chris Rock…Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek should co-host the show next year.

Hitch (Movie Review)

2005-02-24T00:13:00.000-05:00

An American Fairytale: Hootie and the Burger King

2005-02-23T01:13:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a band called Hootie and the Blowfish. They had some really big “hit songs” back in the early to mid 90s. Rumor has it that they released some more albums…but I can neither confirm nor deny this story…because I never heard from them again. Well, boys and girls…one day the lead singer Darius Rucker (we shall call him Hootie) suddenly returned…dropping out of the big, blue sky.

Where did he land? Was it on MTV? Was it Live in Concert at Madison Square Garden? Was it in the studio recording his new CD? No boys and girls…Hootie has returned…in a Burger King commercial. That’s right…Hootie the rock star is now Hootie the singing cowboy. I’m not sure exactly what he’s singing about, but it sounds a little like “blah blah blah, where did my career go, blah blah blah, hey look at me I have a guitar, blah blah blah.” I mean he’s not even singing about burgers…I don't think. Anyway...I’m really bored so I’ve decided to write a Burger King song for Hootie to sing.

It is written to the tune of Hootie’s biggest hit, “Hold My Hand”. (feel free to sing along)

Hold My Whopper
Lyrics by Brian
Performed by Hootie and the Blowfish Sandwich

With a little love, and some tenderness
We’ll flame broil this burger
We’ll put it to the test
With a little mayo and some onion too
We’ll add on some lettuce
And a tomato just for you

Cause’ I’ve got a Whopper for you
Cause’ I wanna eat with you

Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Watching me flip the burgers
Way up in the air
I said hello, do you want that King sized
Cause’ I’ve got some fries
And soda set aside

Cause’ I’ve got a Whopper for you
I’ve got a Whopper for you
Cause’ I wanna eat with you
Won’t you let me eat with you
Yeah Hold my Whopper
Want you to hold my Whopper
Hold my Whopper

I’ll take you to a place where you can
Have It Your Way
Each and every day
Because I wanna make you the best burger
The best burger that I can

Constantine (Movie Review)

2005-02-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

**If you have seen this movie or any of the other movies I have reviewed, feel free to post comments regarding your opinions of the film(s). Even if you only say "I liked it" or "it really sucked" I think it would be cool for people to see other opinions. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, on with the review...

Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weisz star in this film that is based on the Hellblazer comic book. If you like your movies dark and full of religious discussion, then this is the movie for you.

Reeves plays John Constantine, a man who (due to prior events) is destined to spend eternity in Hell. He has the ability to “see” the demons that attempt to influence and infiltrate the daily lives of humans. Thus, he spends his life performing exorcisms and fighting off demons in the hope that each accomplishment brings him closer to Heaven. Apparently, at the beginning of time, God and the Devil made a wager concerning the fate of humans. Neither is allowed to have direct contact with humans…they are only allowed to “influence” us in our daily lives. However, now one of the sides is attempting to break the rules. Constantine discovers this and tries to discover what mysteries lurk behind the changing game plan.

Does all of this sound confusing? Well at times it is. But Constantine is a really cool film that provides a good amount of religious discussion to go along with the action. At times I was wishing that I had paid more attention in Sunday School. Oh yeah…and I was also wishing that I was Catholic, so that I would have a better understanding of some of the things they were referring to. But make no mistake, this is definitely not Passion of the Christ…in fact I’m pretty sure that really religious people will hate this movie. Although, I must say, the haunting images of Hell will put me on my best behavior for at least the next week or so.

Constantine is a very enjoyable movie. It is one of those films that you discuss and analyze during the car ride home from the theater. Check it out

*For the record…Keanu Reeves does NOT say “whoa” in this movie.

The Last Supper

2005-02-16T22:13:00.000-05:00

Today as I was driving I started wondering "if I was on Death Row what would I pick as my final meal?" It's a tough decision. My first inclination would be to have a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But I would want to make them myself...and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't give me a knife to make them. There are just so many things that go into making this final decision.

First of all you need to decide what your major point of focus is. Are you trying to pick the best final meal possible? OR Are you trying to pick the meal that is best suited for concealing a weapon or tool that can be used for escape? Assuming you're trying to escape..and you really should be trying to...I mean what do you have to lose? I'd much rather get shot while jumping over a wall than die in the electric chair. But anyway...as I was saying...if you are trying to escape you have to pick a meal that can easily hide a weapon/tool. Maybe a Chicago deep dish pizza (hollowed out for our purposes) or a Happy Meal from McDonalds. A Happy Meal isn't complete without the "toy." They will never suspect that your new pink My Little Pony action figure can be easily converted into your ticket to freedom.

However, if you are just looking to have a delicious final meal, I think you have to order something from a restuarant. You need to receive a dependable product. If you just place a generic "BBQ chicken with macaroni and cheese and fries" order, you are just going to get a bunch of slop from the prison cafeteria. And come on...do you really want to be getting your head shaved and taking that final walk with a bad taste in your mouth? I think not. I would want my final few hours spent relishing the fact that "Yes!! I finally ate one of everything on the Taco Bell menu!!."

But perhaps the best strategy of all is to ask your guards what they would like to eat. Tell them that you value their friendship and that you would like to eat your final meal with them. The first ever Death Row Pizza Party. Maybe you will have a connection on the outside that can drug all the pepperoni pizza while you sit in the corner safely consuming your cheese pizza. After they collapse, you make a run for it and drive safely away in your Dominos Pizza delivery (getaway) truck.

What? It might work.

Sam and Liberty: A Love Story

2005-02-14T01:12:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks I have become strangely intrigued by Liberty Tax and their “mascots”. You see, it is tax season and every day I drive by people standing on the side of the road dressed like Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty dancing and waving at passing cars. Apparently, Liberty Tax is convinced that this is going to make me want to have them do my taxes. In reality, it makes me really happy that I bought Turbo Tax. But I guess the “mascots” are working…I’ve seen them for quite a few years now and according to the web site there are 1700 different Liberty Tax locations…so they must be doing something right. But I digress…anyway…these people have kept me entertained over the past few weeks so I thought I would share some things that I have learned from watching Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty.

1) Uncle Sam appears to have found the Fountain of Youth. Not only is his beard not white, most of the time he doesn’t even sport a beard.
2) Sometimes Uncle Sam is black.
3) On really cold days Uncle Sam and The Statue of Liberty like to wrap scarves around their faces. It’s cool because then they look like bank robbers. I would love to be in a bank being robbed by Uncle Sam. I can see it now, “I WANT YOU…to open the vault” or “I WANT YOU…to lie face down on the floor.” But I’m pretty sure that he would get caught, because even with his face covered by a scarf, I think the red and white striped pants and the big hat would give him away.
4) If you get them wet, they multiply…just like Gremlins. Every time it rains there seems to be at least three of each character standing on the corner shivering.
5) Apparently, when the Statue of Liberty was being restored a few years ago, they added a walkman and headphones.
6) Uncle Sam is a really good breakdancer.
7) Unlike most women, The Statue of Liberty really likes it when you honk at her.
8) That’s not a torch in The Statue of Liberty’s hand…it’s a Taco Bell cup.

Elektra (Movie Review)

2005-02-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

**If you have seen this movie or any of the other movies I have reviewed, feel free to post comments regarding your opinions of the film(s). Even if you only say "I liked it" or "it really sucked" I think it would be cool for people to see other opinions. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, on with the review...

Elektra starring Jennifer Garner is the first "superhero" movie of 2005. And as much as it pains me to say it...it is also the worst movie I have seen so far this year. The previews for this movie worried me a little...ok a lot...but I went to see it anyway because I like superhero movies and because, well...Jennifer Garner is pretty hot. But as hard as I tried to enjoy this movie...I just couldn't...it's a mess.

The movie is kind of a sequel to Daredevil (a very underrated film). However, there are no mentions of Daredevil and in fact it's almost like they are pretending that the previous movie never took place at all. The concept of the movie is that Elektra has been trained in martial arts and other ninja type things since a very young age. Now she makes her living as a professional assassin. She has been hired to kill a man and his 13 year old daughter. It turns out that there is more to this young girl than meets the eye. But, Elektra just can't go through with the murders and instead ends up protecting the family from others sent to perform the job she couldn't.

There are many problems with this movie but I will focus on the two major issues. The first is the storyline involving the 13 year old girl. One of my pet peeves with movies is annoying child characters/actors...and let me tell you...this girl wins the prize as one of the most annoying characters ever. But the real question is, why is so much of the story focused on the girl instead of Elektra? The second key problem is the bewildering lack of fight scenes. There are few things more entertaining than a hot girl that can kick ass (i.e. Buffy, Trinity, Jessica Biel in the new Blade movie, etc.) so I wonder why the story didn't feature more ninja rumbles. Perhaps I do know...because the couple of fights that did take place were terrible...especially the final "battle".

There is plenty more that I can say but I have wasted enough time on this movie. Elektra was a very disappointing film and I recommend that you wait until it comes to cable to watch it.

Early Retirement

2005-02-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago in the local paper there was a story about a professional guide dog (we’ll call him “Shadow”) that was retiring. There was even a big ceremony attended by the mayor and other dignitaries (I swear that more than 26 people live in my town…and yes, we have a stoplight…lots of ‘em). It seems that the blind lady that uses him felt that at the age of 9 he had worked long enough and needed to spend the rest of his life having fun with her as a regular ol’ dog. This is a very nice thought, but I have a few questions/problems with this whole thing.

First of all, the article stated that immediately after the ceremony the blind woman flew to Florida to begin several weeks of training with a new guide dog. (“Happy Retirement Shadow!! I’ll see you later; I’m heading south to find a new dog.”) My understanding is that guide dogs are in short supply…but this lady is allowed to voluntarily retire her current dog and then immediately gets a new one? That hardly seems fair.

My biggest concern is the future happiness of Shadow. The blind lady is keeping him as a pet, but I wonder how happy he can possibly be. I admire her decision to retire Shadow so that he can enjoy “being a dog.” But what exactly is he going to do? Is he looking forward to doing a lot of traveling? Is he going to pass the days by lying on the back porch doing crossword puzzles? Perhaps he will take up gardening. Let’s face it…dogs love people. Shadow wants nothing more than to spend time with his owner. How is he going to feel about her new guide dog? I have a feeling that instead of being happy about his reduced workload he is going to feel jealous and sad about being replaced.

On a lighter note, this entire situation could be fun to watch. I can picture it now…two guide dogs fighting over the right to lead the blind woman. One goes left, one goes right. Meanwhile, people that see her will wonder, “Geez…how blind do you have to be to need two guide dogs?

But if she really wanted to have fun the lady should put sunglasses on Shadow so that it looks like the new dog is his seeing-eye dog too. Now that sounds like a fun retirement…a dog with his own guide dog…what a life.

Million Dollar Baby (Movie Review)

2005-02-07T22:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, so finally I’m back posting again…hopefully you noticed I was gone. I plan to post quite often to make up for my absence. I have a bunch of movies to review and several other things I want to comment on. I’ve seen quite a few movies since my last post (surprise, surprise) but I’m going to start with a review of one I saw last week…Million Dollar Baby.

You’ve probably heard that this movie is nominated for tons of awards, including Best Picture. I do not usually like movies that are nominated for Oscars (except Lord of the Rings, of course), but I am happy to say that Million Dollar Baby is richly deserving of it’s nomination for Best Picture. Everything about this movie is amazing…the story, the acting, even the musical score. I found myself captivated by what was happening on screen, completely drawn in by the characters and the story that was unfolding. Clint Eastwood plays Frankie, a boxing trainer that runs a gym with the assistance of Scrap, portrayed by Morgan Freeman. One day Maggie (Hilary Swank) enters his life. She is the product of a trailer trash upbringing and currently makes her living as a waitress in a diner. She dreams of leaving poverty behind by succeeding as a professional boxer. Frankie has no interest in training a girl, but through charm and perseverance Maggie convinces Frankie to train her. I will not reveal what happens in the rest of the film except to say that the first part of the movie feels like a female version of Rocky, but then something occurs that swings the movie in a completely different direction. You feel like you are watching one kind of movie…but then it turns into something else entirely. And it works…very well.

I grew up watching Clint Eastwood play tough guys in Westerns and Dirty Harry, so at times it has been difficult to watch him age…especially when I first saw him with his pants pulled up to his rib cage. But I am astounded at his ability to adapt as he has grown out of his action hero past. Not only does he act in this movie, but he is also the Director and the composer of the musical score. In my opinion, all three major actors in the film should win Academy Awards for their portrayals (if Hilary Swank does not win Best Actress, an immediate investigation should be launched). Million Dollar Baby is a deeply touching movie that pulls you in and keeps you thoroughly captivated as you watch how the story unfolds. I highly recommend that you check it out. You will be seeing filmmaking at its very best.

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2005-01-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

Ok so my computer at home has been down for about a week and a half...maybe more. But now I am up and running again, so I will hopefully be posting quite a bit in the next few days. So stay tuned.